true freedom

Ever felt a sudden wave of fear, stress and worry just swept past you and seem to be making your heart thump faster? And before you know it, your mind starts worrying about stuff that you shouldnt be worrying about since you cant do a thing about it?

Or maybe a less exaggerated version of worry such as... what if I still cant find a boyfriend at the age of 29? what if I dun do well for this exams? what if this is not what God wants for me.. what if..what if...

haha yep thats what i just experienced on my way home from the library just now.

Been talking to esther today about my uni applications... haha was just fantasizing the scenario of receiving the acceptance letter by next friday or sth... den i wouldnt have to study for my current exams anymore. hahhaha. and she said the worst scenario is I get the acceptance letter on 9 May itself... just right after my exams.. hahaha so gek ah
Well its easy to laugh about it and crack jokes with her around...even when the thought that I may not even be accepted came across my mind.. its easy to forget it almost as quickly cos esther is such a dear. haha and a funny one at that. I dun really like to talk about my uni stuff with anybody...except her... so dun try unless you're realllyyy close to me. haha. just kidding.


While its easy for someone to tell you comforting words and speak faith into your circumstance, its another, for you to say it to yourself and at the same time say it cos you really mean it and not to find excuses to make yourself feel better.

So on my way home all these things started to flood my mind again... truthfully, i have not been thinking about it for a long time, perhaps cos i din want to...but still.. its a cold night and I was waiting for my bus. my heart just started to pound very fast and I immediately started praying. Prayed until I felt the peace. And guess what song came to my mind?

I HAVE NEVER WALKED ON WATER
FELT THE WAVES BENEATH MY FEET BUT
AT YOUR WORD LORD, I'LL RECEIVE YOUR
FAITH TO WALK ON OCEANS DEEP

AND I REMEMBER HOW YOU FOUND ME
IN THAT VERY SAME PLACE
ALL MY FAILING
SURELY WOULD HAVE DROWNED ME
BUT YOU MADE A WAY

YOU ARE MY FREEDOM
JESUS YOU'RE THE REASON
I'M KNEELING AGAIN AT YOUR THRONE
WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU
HERE IN MY LIFE, HERE IN MY LIFE


Anyway esther asked me something today that has been at the back of my mind for ages. Have I fulfilled the purpose that God has put me in SIM for?
What was his purpose in the first place?

If its for personal edification, then yeah I think I've learnt a lot from this experience... its made me come to a new understanding of my relationship with God..greater reliance on him.. its kind of like a limp in me that constantly reminds me to hunger for his presence..haha of cos it has also made me value my education... and I believe I am learning from it...still...and will continue to...


haha okae i noe this is a super long post...and its pretty boring because it seems like i have been talking about this same issue over and over again for the past one year but its my blog. haha. anyway i have a paper tmr and by right shouldnt be wasting my time like this?? haha but okae la think i practice and studied enough for this paper alrady..

someone one said you can never studying finish for an exam. haha i always agreed with that. but tonight... I think I studied enough ;)